Chosen
Sheryl J. Bize Boutte
Author
The
chosen arrive in light for all to see,
Unaware of
their luminosity.
They share
their light unselfishly,
And leave in
light, forever free,
While the glow lives on
In you and me
I
vividly remember when I first saw her.
I was seven and she was eight. Her yellow petticoated dress glowed amber
in the sunlight behind her. Although the almost blinding light obscured her
facial features, I could see that her hair was neatly parted down the middle,
providing a pathway for the two thick long braids that brushed her waist. But it was her welcoming smile that
broke through the shadow and captivated me immediately.
It was
her first day in America. The unwanted child of a Japanese woman and an African
American soldier, she had been among the countless babies who had been
abandoned at orphanages in Japan after the war. Having no children of their own, my career Army godfather and
godmother had adopted her on one of their many trips to Japan. They named her
Cassandra.
As I
walked up to her to get a better look, her smile never wavered. She spoke little English at the time,
but we did not need words. My godmother stepped in between us and handed each
of us a small jewelry box. We opened them to find matching rings purchased by
my godmother on a trip to Istanbul some months before. Grinning, we each put on
our rings and in that sunbathed ceremony we became sisters for life.
We
spent our childhoods playing together whenever our parents visited each
other. We missed each other when
we were apart; but had no control over our meeting frequency. Cassandra remained very much Japanese,
quietly keeping her own counsel, while she slowly explored her African American
heritage. Sometimes she would show
me her photo album from the orphanage, full of the mixed race children that
Japanese mothers did not want or could not keep. My godparents had chosen her
out of all of those unwanted Amerasian children looking expectantly into the
camera lens, with eyes full of hope and longing. I often found myself looking
more at the beautiful Japanese clothing they wore to avoid those eyes. With the
exception of showing me the album once in a while, Cassandra never spoke of her
time in the orphanage or of her biological parents. I never knew her Japanese
name. And although I became more curious as we grew older, after a while I
forgot about those things and never asked.
As
budding teenagers, we spent countless hours steaming our faces with hot
washcloths to banish breakouts. We used gallons of Noxzema and thought of it as
a miracle cure. Even though I don’t remember it really doing much to banish the
bumps, we reveled in the routine and the promise on the jar. We always swore we
looked better after one of our “treatments.” We had many sleepovers at her
house; I don’t remember her ever coming to mine. That was fine with me. I did not want to share her with my
four younger sisters anyway and besides, I got to be the little sister when I
was with her.
We
both met the loves of our lives as teenagers and made our entries into early
womanhood during the Black Power movement of the 1970’s. Under strict parental
orders to shun militancy, we were simultaneously frightened and enthralled by
changes taking place and wore dashikis and black leather jackets to support the
cause. With the hot steam of the Black Panthers, Angela Davis and Huey P.
Newton as our atmosphere, I served as her matron of honor while my new husband
played the conga drums at her African themed wedding.
She
was the first to have a child and would have four to my one. We both would get our college degrees,
me in English and she in child development. With her degree in hand she started a daycare business
called San’s Childcare. My then
baby daughter would be among the first to receive the benefits of her loving
care. She became my daughter’s
second mother and instilled many valuable traits from infancy through early
teenage years. When I was climbing
the work ladder, it was Cassandra who supported me in teaching my daughter many
things woman and many things strong.
When I could not be there, Cassandra made sure that all was well at
school, the homework was done, the scratched knee was bandaged and the meals
were healthy. She was a precious gift sent to accompany me on that vital part
of my motherhood journey. My daughter was a part of her family and we both knew
we were blessed to be in her presence.
All
too soon the children would grow up and Cassandra would decide to retire from
the childcare business. The
children she had taken under her wing had all arrived as infants and reached
their preteen years at the same time. The time had come for them to leave the
nest and fly on their own.
On one of my last trips to pick up my
daughter, I encountered Cassandra and her husband on the sidewalk in front of
their house. She was again
back-lit by the bright sun and I could only see her outline, moving toward me
with a slow and unfamiliar gait. As they got closer and her face came into
view, I asked how they were doing.
“OK, she said. I just have
a little cancer.” Matter of
fact. Just like that. Everything
stopped: The cars on the street were no longer moving; Charlie across the way was
suspended halfway up his front stairs; the dogs next door ceased their incessant
barking; everything but Cassandra fell away. She had to go in to the house and
tell her children. I had to tell
my daughter. I told her she would be all right and that I was there to do
anything she wanted. She hugged me and without looking back, walked up the
steps and through her front door. She and my unknowing daughter passed each
other at the threshold and hugged each other tight as they said their goodbyes.
I held my tears until I arrived at home.
Cassandra
fought her disease with all of her might.
When we would visit her in the hospital during and after her treatments,
I would try my best to make her laugh.
But soon it became clear that the doctor she had was not the best and
the treatments were not having the desired effect.
And
so, her husband moved her and their family to his hometown of Nashville,
Tennessee where the world-renowned cancer specialists at Vanderbilt University
could treat her. It would turn out
that the first doctor had messed things up so much there was not much hope left.
In
what would be my last conversation with her, with the sounds of her children in
the background, and barely able to speak, she told me there had to be something
she could do. That she did not
want to just lie there and die. I
told her how much she meant and would always mean to me, from the day I saw her
in the sunlight with the long braids and the smile. Then we laughed and talked
about Noxzema and dashikis and how we both still had our rings and about being
true sisters. I thanked her for sharing her light and helping to make my
daughter the beautiful loving person she had become. I told her I would always be there for her children as she
had always been there for my child.
She took a breath and I could hear through my own tears that she was crying
as well. Then she said, “ Thank
you so much. You don’t know how
much your words mean to me. I love you.” “I love you too, Cassandra, I said,
and I will see you later.” Her
last words before we hung up the phone, were, “I will see you later, too.”
Two
days later, I received a tearful call from her youngest daughter. All she said was, “Mommy didn’t make
it.” At the young age of 44, a
wife, mother and my sister was gone.
As her
children began to re-group and return to California, I have kept my promise to
always be here for them. Although they are all grown up now with children of
their own, and I don’t see them much, the bonds are strong and deeply
rooted.
I
think of my chosen sister often and miss her still. And each day, with the rising sun, she continues to share
her light with us all.
